A mixed catch...

The search for cyber love (or just plain old entertainment) continues, with mixed results.

Recently, Gabriel* caught what looked like a potential sea bass but it turned out to be a crab. At first, he was quite enthusiastic about KKN (Kitty Kitty Northern)*; he liked that she had interests of her own, seemed to be independent and, more importantly, was really rather keen on him. Their first date was ‘the best ever’ in her opinion, she was a no-nonsense, straight-talking northern lass, and though some of her opinions were ‘a little provincial’, Gabriel* enjoyed her company and could see himself dating her, even if it wasn’t looking like a long-term thing. Then suddenly, she became evasive and non-committal, and cancelled their dinner without explanation. It later transpired that she’d been keeping an eye on his Facebook page and had become jealous of a platonic female friend with whom he danced at a recent wedding. Heck, if that was enough to trigger a jealousy attack, then she’d have a real cow if she saw the photo of Gabriel* and myself dancing slow and close at Fred* and Daphne’s* wedding, as that was sensual bordering on obscene…

Gabriel* said: “I’d rather have a bit of a honeymoon period pre-squabbling, to be honest,” and I think that’s perfectly reasonable thing to expect. So farewell, Kitty Kitty Northern* and hello Overbite Girl*. The unfortunate nickname stems from my heartless comment; when shown her profile picture, I told Gabriel*: “She seems quite nice, but she’s got a bit of an overbite.” Their first date was postponed because Overbite Girl* had just had an operation on her jaw (to correct said overbite, perhaps) and because she had to drink her dinner through a straw for a week. When they finally did get together, Gabriel* summed up the whole experience by saying: “One date is enough.” Not quite in the same league of direness as Delroy the Soap Boy, but she didn’t have very much to say for herself, apparently.

As for me, I’ve also had a mixed catch, most of which I’ve thrown back in because they were too dull (“We haven’t spoken in a while.” That’s because I wasn’t interested and didn’t reply to your message in the first place), too overfamiliar (“Hi honey, how was your weekend?” I don’t know you, so why should I tell you), not sufficiently physically attractive (read: too pale, though I’m trying to keep an open mind with regard to ethnic diversity), or too desperate (“Pleeeeeeeeease write back to me.” Men shouldn’t show vulnerability, because women are like sharks: they then go in for the kill if they sense weakness).

Then there was a bank holiday message from Jayzet*: “I’ll be hanging out at Castle and would love for you to join me. Interested?” That’s better. He doesn’t beat around the bush, he displays definite interest in meeting in person, as opposed to bloody cyberchatting, and he is easy on the eyes – tall, dark and handsome, clean-cut, in a nicely tailored suit. I like a man who scrubs up nicely. I emailed him back to tell him that I’m abroad but that I wouldn’t be opposed to meeting up upon my return.

Then today, SweetSoulBoy77* has sent me the following:

"I find you most intriguing.
I'd like to know more about you.

How should we proceed from here...?

1. chat on here
2. chat on msn
3. a quick chat on the phone
4. meet for a coffee
5. meet at the airport and fly to a hot country for a week
6. get married online

It's your choice..."

Good opening email. He seems to be interested in my personality (as opposed to going on about how pretty my eyes are and generally trying to flatter me), the email is sufficiently light-hearted, and he gives me a variety of choices. I like choices. His photo is a bit blurry, but I think he looks a bit like that guy out of a Diet Coke commercial (i.e. nice physique) and that he’s got dark hair and goatee (I like facial hair). I veto the top two choices, explaining that I have short, stubby fingers and find it difficult to type quickly, tell him that I’m already in a hot country and suggest that marriage might be a little premature, but that I wouldn’t be adverse to meeting for a meal. I now have his phone number, so SweetSoulBoy77* and I are all set for a hot date when I get back home.

However, the person who seems to have fared best in the cyber jungle is Fred*. A week after his soon-to-be-ex-wife Daphne* called it quits, he went out on two dates, both with girls he’d met online, and seems to have found lasting romance with Lois*, a girl who made a real effort to drive down to see him. An avocado-related near-death experience aside, things are going smoothly and they’ve even invested in a luxury tent which will be their home for the duration of the Big Chill. Daphne* hated music festivals and camping, so it looks like Fred’s* onto a good long-term thing with Lois*. How does he do it?

In the immortal words of The Lion King theme song: “Some of us sail through our troubles, and some have to live with the scars.” Fred* clearly belongs to the first kind...